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Energy Drink Review: Wicked

July 30, 2010

Warning #1: "33% more FREE!"

Energy drinks. The pinnacle of mankind’s ingenuity. As a programmer, I am powered almost entirely with caffeine and unhealthy foods, and energy drinks provide both in an enormously convenient package. Unlike normal drinks, however, energy drinks seem to still be in the mindset of being a “dietary supplement” – i.e., they don’t feel that, for example, tasting like hairy arse is a bad thing. Infact, a good 60% of energy drinks not only are about as enjoyable to drink as battery acid, but they make you feel positively unwell afterwards.

Thus, I have decided to provide a review of the energy drinks I encounter through my travels – my better half prefers it if I avoid the ones with 25 tablespoons of sugar per serving (basically every single one), so I’m afraid this will be fairly irregular, despite my love of the subject. We shall start today. Right here, infact, with Wicked Energy Drink. First impressions are not so good – it doesn’t have much dedicated shelf space, nor does it have multiple flavours, which immediately suggests “B-grade” to me. On the other hand, it does have a website. A website that is full of nonsense.

Inspired by the body art phenomenon that is sweeping the globe, WICKED is an all new energy drink combining tattoo attitude with caffeine and taurine. The result is a truly unique energy experience that is sure to make you a little bit wicked!

– Wicked website front page, demonstrating a scary infestation of wankers

Like many energy drinks, it looks remarkably like something else.

Body art phenomenon? Is that a new thing? I mean, there are always nutters who tattoo their entire bodies but they’re pretty much guaranteed to be either colourblind, insane, or both. I wasn’t aware it was a phenomenon. Nor was I aware that I was drinking tattoo attitude. Shows what I know! The website also has a game, which is actually surprisingly good for random marketing nonsense (probably slightly better than Mass Effect).

Anyway, back to the drink. As the people who know me in person are aware, I am completely dependent on caffeine to function, which means that I can put away four of these guys in a sitting without getting any sort of buzz, so I’m afraid that my “potency” rating is in no small part based on the nutritional stats on the back of the can. Nevertheless, with no further ado, here are the scores!

Suspiciously like urine. Like almost all of them. 5/10
Uses the same flavour profile as Red Bull (i.e., weirdo pineapple). Unlike Red Bull, it tastes a bit less sour, and lacks the sensation of drinking vinegar. Slightly above average. 6/10
Exactly like Red Bull. 4/10
About the same as 1.8 cups of coffee in four times as much liquid. Contains two whole grams of taurine (which supposedly has some actual health benefits) – quite a lot more than most energy drinks. Prominently featured is just over a gram of glucuronolactone, a chemical that supposedly “detoxifies” you, but actually does sod all. 6/10

I regard this as being very similar but slightly cheaper than Red Bull, and as a benefit, the formulation is slightly more palatable. It doesn’t have a terribly inspiring taste or effect, however. It does, unfortunately, have a metric faceload of sugar, 64% of your RDI if you drink the whole can – which is pretty much a recipe for a sugar high (and sugar crash shortly afterwards), which I don’t appreciate (most equivalent drinks are half artificially sweetened).

  1. blackwatertown permalink

    “Suspiciously like urine. Like almost all of them.”
    This is the sort of candid review that we need more of. Good work. Keep it up.

  2. Why drink energy drinks at all? Just drink 8 glasses a water a day and eat healthy foods and you will have so much energy you will have to rent yourself out to run a city at night just so you can sleep 🙂

    • NotAMushroom permalink

      I don’t see “gives me energy” on water anywhere, so I don’t trust it.

    • The Baron permalink

      I agree that it would be far healthier for eatplayhate to cut energy drinks and other caffeine- and sugar-providing drinks out of his diet, but also I know for a fact that he would bear indescribable pain and suffering from the withdrawal symptoms. Also shakes like nothing else. Not that that’s an argument against him trying to cut down..

  3. Chris permalink

    I don’t know…comes down to taste, i guess, but here’s my list :
    #1 – V Black
    #2 – Wicked
    #3 – Mother.
    #4 – RedBull (this is where the list goes from liked to ”meh”. I’ll drink it, but i would never prefer it.)

    And that’s it. I hate everything else. Monster and Rockstar are the worst kind of worst, undrinkable liquid-sugars.
    I bought a can of Monster, because i hadn’t had one in 4 years. Threw out 80% of it. HORRID. Seriously, how can anyone drink that?

    • V Black is the best energy drink that has ever existed. I can’t believe they’ve discontinued it 😦

      I actually don’t mind the taste of the new V (“Graphite”) although I wish it had about 50% less sugar. You know that there’s a problem when you teeth feel furry for hours afterwards.

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